Eyes Set to Discovery

“Do you think in our lives we have significantly changed others lives for the better…like strangers, by saying hello or doing something nice?”

Hmmm. A good question. I love boggling my mind with questions like this. Can one small interaction completely change someone’s life whether that change is something they are aware of or not? It makes me think about how maybe there are parallel universes: one where one outcome resulted from an interaction and one where a polar opposite outcome occurred. It’s almost too bizarre to think about! How could something like that possibly exist? A world with another me doing different things…I don’t know how I feel about that! What if that means that there’s another me who’s better at being me. Hmmmmm. But anyway back to the original question!

I certainly hope that even small everyday actions can change someone’s life for the better. Even the hope that that is true makes me want to make sure i’m being kind, considerate, and friendly at all times. If I can make other people happier by doing that, why wouldn’t I want to! And that would in turn affect my happiness. I am continually affected by those around me. If someone is hurting I will likely be hurting too, even if their issue doesn’t even directly or indirectly involve me. And likewise with people being happy. If someone has received good news and are ecstatic about it, I can’t help but share their emotions. I guess in a way that gives me a label of being compassionate. And that’s good! I don’t mean to make that sound bad by saying it’s a label. Makes it sound ominous and unwanted. But I am totally okay with it! And that’s I really do care about people and the general “goodness” of the world. And I like hearing people’s stories. Stories and experiences and emotions are the best way to learn about the world. I can grow and change and become a better person just by connecting with other people. How cool!

So yes, I do believe I can change other people- in the same way they change me with their stories. Even by just saying hello or giving a smile. It’s all about projection. If someone can feel a connection with your emotions then that can indeed change or impact their life. So i’m going to keep saying hello, smiling, telling that random girl I like her shoes, anything. Because I know from experience that something even that small can project happiness and a positive nature into people. And a spark of happiness can change everything. It leads people to accomplishing things. The desire to feel that happiness pushes everyone through life. And I will help people feel that happiness whenever I can.

Peace and love!

I believe music and in singing.

Singing makes me happy. No, i’m not the best singer out there, but I love to sing regardless. A good harmony or a good key change are the kinds of things that excite me and make my soul smile a little. It’s a good feeling, hearing a beautiful song. 

I’ve always wanted to be able to be involved with some sort of group that allows me to sing. So I dabble in chorus and musicals and the like, but when my only audience is myself in my car or my stuffed animals in my room, well that’s just not as rewarding! I still accept that kind of audience though because i’m not going to give up singing just because nobody is listening. In fact, I get extremely nervous and self conscious any time I do have a real audience. It’s a bit of a paradox really. On the one hand I love singing, on the other hand it terrifies me. Perhaps it’s another example of the sublime-that beautiful terror. It seems like the sublime is popping up everywhere in my life. Or maybe i’m just pushing things to far and finding ways that it is in my life because it fascinates me. But back on track, singing! 

Sitting here trying to figure out what kind of genre of singing I like the best I realize that I have a very strange history of music taste. My dad always comments on that. I like so many different kinds of music for so many different reasons. I feel like there’s a music for every kind of mood. Seems obvious when I say that. People write music based on how they feel. But, sometimes I can love a sad song even when i’m extremely happy. Does this mean I am hiding a secret sadness within me? I think not. It’s just my love for the feeling of singing something beautiful! 

One of my biggest issues is my inability to remember lyrics. It frustrates me to no end! I could sing the tune to an entire song, sing the guitar solo to you, anything like that. But when it comes to lyrics…I could give you a few words at best. I think this happens for two reasons. One being that the sound is what brings me in and makes me love a song. A lot of people say that lyrics are the most important factor of whether you like a song or not, which I can agree with in a way, but come on, if something just sounds great i’m going to like it! The second reason I am at a loss to lyrics is probably because I almost ALWAYS have music playing. It’s underscoring my life. So I have learned to be focusing on what i’m doing while the music is playing underneath. Yes, I can hear it but i’m not necessarily focusing on the words. I’m focusing on the words i’m writing like right now for example. 

I wonder if this means somehow the song that’s playing is subconsciously affecting me. Maybe what i’m writing or thinking or reading at the time has a different effect on me based on the words I do hear now and then. Who knows! A little weird to think about. 

Regardless of what’s happening though I can say without a doubt that music is always going to be in my life whether i’m performing it or listening to it or dancing to it. It’s just to good to let go!

The sensation of feeling your own heart beating. When I first thought about it, it seemed weird to me that I had never realized that you don’t normally feel that at all times. Those aren’t the kind of things I generally sit and pay attention to. But sit there. Just sit there; you probably don’t actually feel your heart pulsating, pounding, sending your blood through your body. 

But sometimes I do. If that happens, I know something isn’t right. Obviously that’s not generally the first thing I notice when something is wrong, generally there are emotional and situational ties, but the pounding heart is part of it. Though it isn’t always a pounding. Sometimes there is just a strange sensation. An uneasiness. Now, I don’t work myself up too often, but it isn’t that rare either. I often over exaggerate things in my mind and worry over the smallest things. On the other hand, I do feel like I often have an intuition that is leading me to something that isn’t so small. On occasion it can seem like I just know something is wrong even if I don’t quite know the exact details.  But it’s always because I care.

I get most worked up about what I care about. Not necessarily the little things, but the things that I truly, deeply care about. If someone I love is hurting or down, if I feel like I did something wrong, if I am scared about my future, things like that. And in all honesty, I always find a way to point the source of what went wrong right at myself. I blame myself, always. And that just makes the problem worse. If I feel I am causing someone I love pain or sadness it shatters me. How could I be happy if the one I love isn’t happy? How could I especially if it was my own fault. And that’s where it turns into a moment of sublime. 

My art history studies have opened my eyes to the artist’s movement of sublime creations during the romantic period. And this isn’t sublime and romantic in the way one might assume. The sublime meant the portrayal of the combined sense of beauty and splendor versus terror and destruction. And that’s where I tie in. I have so many things to be thankful for. The most beautiful things in my life that I care about the most are what I get so worked up about. What I fear I could have hurt. There is that juxtaposition between the wonder and the pain. 

I realize that this sounds immensely pessimistic and awful. But i’m really not like that. I’m probably one of the most optimistic people I know. I just care a lot about the things I love. I’m overflowing with so much happiness and joy that I just get nervous to mess up such a fantastic part of my life. But I guess I need to get a new outlook and perspective to look at the world with. Maybe I should go invest in some groovy new glasses. No, but really I do think I at least need to calm myself down and look at things differently. It’s good that I care, I know that much, but will getting nervous and upset fix anything? Probably not. Will hiding how I feel fix anything though? Also, probably not. As far as I can tell right now, the best thing for me would likely be to fill my time with doing things I love so I have less time to sit and wonder and worry. To continually remind the ones I love how much I care. To always follow my gut and spend some time fixing things that don’t seem right.

I think the most important thing I have discovered though is that having a depressed sort of attitude is the least helpful thing for me. Not only will it continue to grate on me, but it will project onto others and reflect in their thoughts and attitudes. And that’s exactly what i’m trying to avoid. 

So here’s my message: 

To Myself: You are strong and beautiful. You will make this world a better place. You are happy and wonderful and full of love.

To My Family: I love you and I will always be there for you, and be crazy with you.

To My Boyfriend and My Best Friend: I love you and will always support you, cheer you up, trust you, listen to you, share the world with you, be loyal to you and stand by your side, and give you all my best.

And that’s a promise.

Today i’m reflecting. Today i’m looking back and analyzing. Today i’m making steps toward change and toward a fantastic future. 

I have been doing a lot of changing in my 20 years, and I can tell you that where I am now is leagues better than where i’ve been. When I think about my past, i’m honestly pretty embarrassed by what used to be important to me. But, I think everyone goes through phases where they make stupid choices and all kinds of mistakes. Especially when young, when you haven’t experienced the majority of what the world has to offer. Now, I know that just because I feel like i’ve made a lot of changes, that doesn’t mean i’m done changing. I have a lot more life to live and it can only keep getting better. I’m at a point where i’m making positive steps for my future: both in my career and my relationships.

I have the belief that the people in your life lead you to who you are. I’m not saying that i’m solely a product of those I meet, but I am saying that the people in my life are there to help me grow. The people that remain in my life are those that have been able to show me new ways to look at things, those that believe in me, and those that I love. 

My most influential and inspiring art professor has passed on some of the most important things to me. He encourages me and tells me things I can learn from, but he also tears me apart constantly. Though I hate this and it often puts me in a horrible place, I realize afterwards that he is of course right. Sometimes I get distracted and focus on the wrong things. Many times I get caught up in making pretty images that can be great, but aren’t really inspired or deeply meaningful. And yes, that kind of image can be great, but if I only make those, I won’t fully develop my potential. Exploring myself and my thoughts and beliefs through art will definitely be one of the most important things I do. But I really need to buckle down and work hard. I can’t expect what I want to just happen. I have to set myself down the right path and work for it. So, that’s what i’m doing. I’m making some choices that are extremely hard, but that will really be best in the long run. And though I hate it, i’m giving my professor the opportunity to say “I told you so.”

One of the things my professor got wrong though is his constant nagging that having a boyfriend or significant other is the thing that will cause your demise as an artist. I completely disagree with him here. I can understand that it can be distracting, but once you find the person that completes you, it’s a different story. And I have found that person. I can always rely on my boyfriend, he’s the one that I want to share my life and my journey with. He inspires me and encourages me to make the most out of my life and I couldn’t imagine where i’d be without him. Not only does he completely open my eyes to the world in a different way, or talk to me about what I have accomplished and what I can accomplish, but he shares his dreams with me. One of the most inspiring things is being able to hear about what he wants to accomplish and watching him take the steps to do that. When I can see the excitement and happiness he has from doing what he loves I can’t help but be ecstatic. His success directly leads to my success. When I am happy I make beautiful art, and he makes me the happiest I could ever be. Everything I have been through with him has helped make me who I am today, and without that I wouldn’t have any notable future. Love is the strongest emotion in the world; how could I ever hope for a more powerful force to drive me to accomplish everything I dream?

So what now? I’ve made some mistakes, lived in a stalemate for a while, and finally reached a point of realization and change. I guess this means my life can really start now. I can get out there and live with the vigor that I deserve to. And I have someone that I can share that with. I have more learning to do, but that’s something that will never change. So here I go. And i’m not turning back.

Today in my drawing class Justin Sorensen gave a short talk about his experiences and artwork. He is both extremely talented and quite inspiring. A lot of his work ties in ideas from historical art or influential books. I love the idea of learning from the past masters and using their ideals to create something new. It has inspired a new project I plan to work on that incorporates the proportion studies seen in Leonardo da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man as well as the Renaissance theme of the trinity that you can see in many triangular compositions.

freaking awesome.

shenaniganswillensue:

Tarin Yuangtrakul